Feeling a bit randy today

I felt I needed to make up for the whole Hugh Jackman thing below so I found this and put it up just because.

My top metal albums of all time

I wanted to compile a list of my favorite heavy metal albums to share with you well because I'm fucked up and need to seek your approval for everything and also I need your reassurance that I am at least one of the very coolest people you know on the net. Either that or I'm just really fucking bored at work and really have nothing better to do...besides I'm the boss so it's not like I'm going to fire myself for fucking off at work. So here goes:

#10

Scum relased in 1987. While not technically heavy metal the god's of grindcore set the fucking bar extremely high with their 1st offering. If you never checked out grindcore this is the best starting place I can think of.

#9

Rust in Peace released in 1990. Without a doubt Dave's finest production ever! This album kicked so much ass when it came out I saw Megadeth 3 separate times when they toured through Denver. The addition of Marty Friedman and Nick Menza added a new gear to this speed machine and it definitely hit top speed with this effort. Despite the fucking critical acclaim and the grammy this album received it never felt like an attempt to commercialize Megadeth, the same can not be said about the albums that Megadeth would follow this one up with.

#8

Speak English or Die released in 1985. If you have never heard of S.O.D. you probably shouldn't read any further. Speak English or Die was recorded with one purpose in mind, to piss people the fuck off. A rather nice side effect of that callous approach was a well regarded album with some very heavy and fast music. Give it a listen if you don't like it turn it off and and lay your head down and right before you go to sleep just know that you suck.

#7

RATM released in 1992. RATM is not heavy metal but this album kicked so much furious ass that it simply has got to be included. Disturbing visual images, blistering guitar riffs and the most ardent militant poetry combine in to a delightful sauce that is both earthy and heady with a mild pecan after taste. One word to best describe this effort : Angry.

#6

Wisconsin Death Trip released 1999. Sure it's industrial metal (whatever the fuck that is) and the lyrics are somewhat incomprehensible at times but this album smacks you across your fat ass with a bass kick and makes you want to do bumps of meth til your heart explodes. If you don't own it (loser) steal it from whatever file sharing client you use and listen to it, it will be worth your time.

#5

Master of Puppets released 1985. Why only #5 for the album that many consider to be Metallica's finest? Simply because every album to follow this effort was nothing short of a complete and total sell out by Selloutica and I hold fucking grudges. If you don't know about or have never heard this album please do me a favor and leave my little corner of the interweb immediately.

#4

La Sexorcisto: Devil Music, Vol. 1 released in 1992. Before Thunderkiss and Black Sunshine got mega airplay this album was a most refreshing breather from the hair bands and 3 chord grunge that seemed to have a stranglehold on our collective psyche. Unlike anything that ever came before it and unlike anything since, Rob's seminal work launched many a noob in to the pits only to come back bloodied and battered but happier.

#3

Vulgar Display of Power released in 1992. Coincidentally released around the same time as album #4 on my list Pantera's defining album was a fucking right hook to the face of angry youth everywhere. Fucking brutal, fucking bare and fucking hostile this album rescued heavy metal from the brink and made it stronger and heavier. If it weren't for 2 more seminal works by earlier pioneers of metal this album would be everyone's pick for the #1 slot.

#2

Black Sabbath released 1970. #2, number two are you fucking crazy? Nope the one that started it all is only #2 on my list. Why not Paraniod you ask? Because it wasn't the beginning of it all. Sabbath is not just a classic it is the Adam and Eve of heavy metal and in many rights should be #1 but I reserve that slot for a modern masterpiece that while beholden to it roots in Sabbath is the single greatest album of all time.

#1

Reign in Blood released in 1986. Bringing Satan to the masses, what can you say about this masterwork that hasn't already been said. It's sadistic, brutal, as fast as it gets....the adjectives could go on. 1 part Dungeons and Dragons, 1 part gothic horror and all fucking double bass pumping speed. There isn't a single thing I don't like about this album, I wouldn't change a thing. Not a note, lyric or riff. Simply the most ass kicking, adrenaline pumping in your face album ever created. I listened to my tape (yes I typed tape) so much that I wore the fucking label off and when the tape died I bought a cd which now has no label as well. This album will never get old and I will never tire of hearing it from start to finish.



So there it is, my list. Got that? My list! I don't give a shit if I didn't include your favorite, save that for your own fucking blog which I will some day read and probably agree with. Till then toodles.

Random thoughts for Friday

If a spoon and fork combined together in to a single implement is known as a spork, would spam combined with porn be known as sporn?

My cat is very hairy. My cat gets shit stuck in his fur occasionally. Elmo is hairy does he get shit stuck in his fur as well?

Does a big truck automatically = a small penis? Everytime I see a guy climb down out of a quad cab triple hemi jacked up truck invariably I'm lead to believe that he is overcompensating for something. Sure there are legitimate reasons for owning a truck that could tow your fucking house but let's face it 9 out of 10 of these beasts is being driven to work and back. Whatever happened to driving Vette's and Camaro's to overcompensate? I say stop driving around town in your libido and start driving normal sized cars again.

Wolverine will fuck you up!

I'm pretty secure in my hetero-ness so I think it's safe for me to say that Mr. Jackman has no problems in the lady department. Shit! I wish I had the kind of time, energy, commitment, cache and access to a personal trainer like he does. But hell even if I did I'd still be 10 lbs overweight, drinking to excess and surfing the internet for the latest in amputee midget ninja porn. But go on with your badass self Mr. Jackman. He hee he said jack man.

Yeah I have the maturity of a 12 year old but I will fuck you up too.

Class action against the girl scouts

I blame my recent weight gain on the girl scouts. If those little cookies Nazi's sold those goddamn addictive cookies year round it'd be no big deal, I could eat a box or two at my leisure any time I pleased. But NO! Those little green and brown clad bitches have devised the ultimate anti-Jenny Craig get fat program for all of America to follow. It's fucking cookie time again and those brats are at every shopping mall and grocery store in the US. And if that wasn't bad enough they've brainwashed their parents in to hocking their evil wares at work. I swear I must have 25 fucking boxes at home and at least that many at work. How can you look at those little trollups and say no? Shit this year I had to take out a fucking loan just to cover my cookie expenditures. Cookie season just started and I've already packed on 10 lbs, looks like I'm going to have to hook up with my old meth dealer just to shed a few Samoa's. Maybe if we get enough obese, outraged people who feel as I feel we can put a class action together and sue the shit out of those bitches. I'm seeking reimbursement for the cost of all my supplements, gym membership and weight watchers meals. Whose with me?

Do robot douchebags dream of electric bleeths?

Lickety split

Please don't forget
when licking a slit
that one must spit
pubic hair a bit

or be forced to floss
with curly hair lost
as your tongue it does cross
your cookies are tossed

Graveyard lover

Midnight rendezvous
six feet deep
soft tissue breakdown
no place for the weak

your now rotten form
the stench, unbearable
when i removed your
dress now unwearable

the touch of decay
in to my flesh creeps
as I press my lips to yours
my soul goes to sleep

on top of you i lay
both naked and cold
our bodies are one
in deep earthen hole

as night turns to day
my sweet i must part
with shovel in hand
i leave with your heart

Old, I mean fucking old pc games

I'm not one for propping up sites with the exception of HCWD but this one kicks ass! I was looking for and old game my friends and I used to play called Warlords and found it on this site that has a library of dusty ass oldies available for download. Unfortunately it's a pay site but it's cheap: $5.95 for a single day or $8.95 for a month, both with unlimited downloads.

http://www.old-pc-games.com/

Dreadful

Someone ate the baby.
It's rather sad to say.
Someone ate the baby
So she won't be out to play.
We'll never hear her whiney cry
Or have to feel if she is dry.
We'll never hear her asking "Why?"
Someone ate the baby.

Someone ate the baby.
It's absolutely clear
Someone ate the baby
'Cause the baby isn't here.
We'll give away her toys and clothes.
We'll never have to wipe her nose.
Dad says, "That's the way it goes."
Someone ate the baby.

Someone ate the baby.
What a frightful thing to eat!
Someone ate the baby
Though she wasn't very sweet.
It was a heartless thing to do.
The policemen haven't got a clue.
I simply can't imagine who
Would go and (burp) eat the baby.

- S. Silverstein

Runny mets guddy

Runny Babbit mot all guddy
Makin' puddy mies
His wamma mashed him with the clothes
And hung him out to dry.
Toe Jurtle said, "What are you doin'
So high agrove the bound?"
Runny Babbit sinned and graid,
"Oh, I'm just rangin' hound."

- S. Silverstein

Oh brave and cherished, noble dead
in gilded halls we wept and bled
for honored thee life's lost too
with the days first light we begin anew
seeking an end to this dreaded quest
sending knights at our masters request

Stalker

Nightvision in the bushes
panties from the trash
I follow you to work
and always when you shop
I watch you when you eat
and change clothes to sleep
are we ever really alone?
Who knows what you've whispered
to the walls of your bedroom
what secrets do you think you keep?